3 “Deal-breakers” You Should Let Go Of‏

Lori Gottlieb’s controversial, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Her premise is exactly what it sounds like: Stop looking for perfection and take what you can get. And while I don’t totally agree with her, I do think she has a point when it comes to loosening your kung-fu grip on certain deal-breakers. Here are a few that might be hindering your chance at love instead of helping it!

1. Height
I’ve never been one of those girls who needed to date a guy over a certain height. It always seemed like I was ruling out huge chunks of the population who might actually be awesome. One friend I know ditched an amazing dude because he was 5’7”. She said that she couldn’t bear to live a lifetime in flats, and she basically chose her shoe collection over him. Five years later, she has yet to meet another guy who gives her butterflies the way he did.

2. Income
In this economy, even smartest, most financially capable dudes may be struggling to rake in the dough. My advice? Don’t dump him just because he’s renting instead of owning or 1099’ing instead of W2’ing. There just might be something to that whole “for richer or poorer” thing!

3. His Sense of Style
Some things, like his fanatical devotion to the Knicks or hatred for Grey’s Anatomy, aren’t likely to change. But his wardrobe? Pfft, totally malleable! If you meet a guy who is perfect except for those dad jeans and Airwalks from 1998, don’t toss him aside just yet. Most dudes are just one capable girlfriend away from great style, and usually won’t resist if he sees how happy (and turned on!) it makes you.

3 Chances at Love You Should Never Deny Yourself

From blogger Single-ish...

1. If you think there was something there, you need to find out. Even if there isn’t, or wasn’t, if there’s a chance, every Hollywood movie (except maybe Romeo and Juliet) says you have to look into it. If for nothing else, just your peace of mind.

2. That cute guy—at the bar, in your hunting party/on your bus/in your study group/living under your porch—may have a girlfriend, or emotional problems, or no personality, or mommy issues, or a wife, or a kid, or rollerblades, or gang affiliations. Or he may just be shy. And perfect. Worth a shot.

3. There are some lines that should never be crossed romantically. Hostage captor comes to mind... but friendship is pretty much always kosher. We’ve all had them, those friends we wish were more. Sometimes the tension is palpable, sometimes someone’s eyes just need to be opened, and sometimes the fire burning inside of you isn’t shared. But for some of us, we have to find out, and we owe it to ourselves to do so. To see how this always works out for the best, see Chasing Amy.

My Weekend with Miles

You know... Plane Guy with an 'e' not an 'i'....After “reconnecting” via text, email and phone and after 3 tentative weekend plans to finally see one another, the opportunity presented itself – I was going to see the handsome man I met on a flight back to LA about a year more previously.  What was so sweet about this reunion was to hear how excited he was to see me!  I was committed to spending 2 days with my family and two days with him.

November 2010, about over a year from the last time I had laid eyes on Miles, I anxiously waited for him to pick me up from my sister's house.  Since I was visiting for a short weekend, the communication efforts kicked up to more frequent in anticipation.  For the next 32 hours, it was just going to be us, finally in the same time zone, in one of the best cities.  My phone rang as he pulled up front, I grabbed my bag as my sister and long-time girlfriend checked him out from the window.  In the very long elevator ride down that mimicked my stomach anxieties, the doors opened and there he stood with a big smile on his face and threw his hands up to say, “Finally!”  We hugged hello and he carried my bag to his car.  Knowing my sister and J-Kat were still watching, I found it amusing when he asked if they could see us. When I said yes, we both looked up and waved.

It was about a 40 minute drive into the city and we chit chatted about Thanksgiving events.  We first stopped at his place cause he “forgot something,” but I was just curious to see where he lived.  As soon as the elevator closed, he leaned and kissed me until we arrived at the 35 floor. A great way to start our weekend!!   I met the temporary roommate, and I was introduced as his “friend from LA.”  We dropped our bags at the hotel prior to check in, yes he sprung for a hotel, then we headed to a bar to watch come college ball (his college team was playing in one of the biggest games of the year; I just happen to love football).  Now I can’t say that things weren’t a bit awkward since we haven’t seen each other in a long time but he’s easy to talk to and I make friends wherever I go so there was plenty of activity going on around us.  After we ate something and watched most of the game, we moved our seats to the inner bar where there are couches to lounge on since we were roasting by the window (it was 20 degrees outside, but about 100 by the window)…now that was his main objective, perhaps mine too, to get within closer proximity to each other vs. sitting across from one another one with the anticipation building.  

I’m not much into PDA but how can you not with someone you NEVER get to see let alone with someone you’ve been very much looking forward to seeing!  It was like we picked up where we left off but different somehow.  Perhaps 3 months of build up projects that. We checked into the hotel and hung out for awhile then ventured out for hot chocolate and walk down Michigan Ave.  PERFECT!  Holding his hand and taking in the holiday spirits, well I couldn’t have asked for more.  We stopped and grabbed a nibble and a glass of wine then headed back to the hotel to warm up.  We actually fell asleep for a bit and there’s nothing more that I like that snuggling up next to a man!

THERE'S MORE TO COME...THIS WEEKEND AIN'T OVER...STAND BY! 

Turkey for You, Turkey for Me - One Year Later

"Miles" - soon I'll get to scoot in next to him

I type this as I just finished packing for my trip to see my family for Thanksgiving, and that trip also includes plenty of face time - finally - with Miles!!!    It's been over a year since we've seen each other and we've laid a lot of ground work to get to this point.  I am going into it without any expectations to ensure I truly enjoy myself.  He and I have lived with the fantasy versions of one another until this fateful weekend.  Will it be like picking up where we left off?  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm beyond excited. I believe he is too!  It's nice to have something - or someone - to look forward to.  


Oh, and my parents don't know I'm coming so that's the first suprise...then it's figuring out a way to tell them that I'm spending the rest of the weekend in the city with a man.  Hmm.  Stay tuned!


Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!! 

I sent this to Miles last night...his response, "I really like this...great planning tool." 

ManDate: Sometimes in life or "like", you gotta put yourself out there, even if it's a little cheesy :) 

More Weekend Updates... "ewww"

About a week ago...Three women set out for a night out together - me, Shadow and Mercedes were overdue for some girl time.  After catching up over a delicious serving (or two) of Mercedes' matzo ball soup), we decided to grab "a" drink at one of our local hangs.

It was surprisingly busy and both our friendly bartenders were working.  FIRST, the three of us were approached by a curious 3 some, you'll see why I say that....   Earlier in the evening over matzo balls, I said to my girls, "I don't want to be in my 40s and single, AND looking." While seated at the bar next to Mercedes, I always take in my surroundings when I noticed the 3 some get up from a table in the main dining area and went back to my conversation.  Then I happened to turn and caught glimpse of the older Asian lady dressed for something that wasn't appropriate to where we were (who was part of this 3 some).  I put my head down and laughed.  Mercedes wanted to know what my inner moment was about and I said, "Remember my comment I made earlier?  It just showed itself to me."  Then without warning, Asian lady was in my space.  In. My. Space. Asking if it was girls night out, where are all the hot guys, what's my story; too many questions from a stranger, in my opinion.  And what's worse is she continued to invade my space.  Hey, I'm a little particular, so sue me, but if I don't know you, I don't need you to get that close - physically.  I closed off my body language to try to give this woman a clue but it seemed a trigger for her to lean in closer, touch more, and frankly, she smelled!  What did she smell like?  Well, dirty old woman and just bad oral hygiene.  Ewww!  I happend to get the opportunity to look over my shoulder to check in with my girls and both were locked into conversations with the other two - a married couple.  My instinct said, ABORT but I was literally pinned against the bar and didn't know how to escape until Shadow asked if I wanted to go out to the smoking patio with her, "YES!" I didn't hesitate.  And the weirdest thing was the man in the scenario, "Bradshaw. Hey." "I didn't  meet you?" He says, "No, but I heard you introduce yourself and your name is the only I remember."  Eww.  Did we escape? Or was this a time out from the inevitable awkward, "Hey I'm not that into you?"

On the smoking porch, we were approached by a guy desparate for a ciggy.  He was nice and funny enough that we let him hang around. As we re-hatched what the hell was happening inside (as those weirdos were 'keeping our seats warm'), our new friend, Tattoo, stayed entertained.  As I told Shadow of how uncomfortable that older woman, smelly Asian woman was making me, place before I politely and bluntly said, "I don't know know what you're looking for but I don't think it's here."  We stayed and talked to Tattoo long enough that the 3 some left to go seek out their next victims. Yes, folks, I'm convinced they were swingers hoping us three were going to join the party - without going into too many specifics. Ewwww.  Well, Tattoo served up another turn to the evening. His dog just died so he took up smoking (but had no ciggys on him?) and he wasn't over his ex who was a 'cutter' and when pressed for how long it's been since they broke up, he says, "13 months." I'm sorry but that was weird and no guy speaks in months, they round up, by counting exactly 1 year and a month makes it more clear that you aren't OVER HER.  I'm not interested but you know he was interested in Shadow, it was soooo obvious.  But here's the kicker, he then mentions that he's there on a blind date? WTF. But the girl was a total "c word" and he doesn't want to be out with her. Ewww.

Back inside: Mercedes went off to talk to 2 guys and so me and Shadow sat ourselves at the bar talking and she says "Biggie is here."  I see him prance in with this obviously very drunk, little red head.  Hmm, ok. Yes, readers that Biggie!   We go on talking, I wondering what's taking the bartender so long to bring me another damn drink and then other bartender says, "5, 6, 7, 8, look!"  (a nickname from the past when I was dating Biggie).  Knowing he's standing there, I politely smile in his direction and he (and the red head) come over to say hello.  Upon closer viewing, I realize I know her because she dated Biggie's BFF in '05 when I dated Biggie, the same friend who just got married a few weeks ago so I knew they're not "together, together" because he may be him but he woudln't hook up with his best friend's ex = bro code. He gives me a giant Biggie hug and says in my ear, "Can I kiss you now?"  I says, "Do you want to?"  "Yes!"  I didn't know how to respond to that so I sat back down and grabbed my drink.  He says hello to Shadow and I re-introduce her to Red and standing there smiling at me and Biggie says, "the gang's back together!" He goes off to talk to his friends and I go check on Cedes and then Shadow's off's smoking one one guy or another.  I get into a great discussion with Cedes'  interest's friend.  Cool dude, married though, not really my type but awesome to talk to. Red falls into me in a drunk stupor, and previously had spilled her drink on me.  Biggie puts her in a chair and bartender gives her water.  Biggie is trying to pick up this girl who looks like she walked out of a Whitsnake video - Tight little dress, tights and hooker shoes, and she was TALL with big blonde hair.  I thought he liked brunettes?  And all I kept thinking was "Wasn't he taller?" cause he looked so short and so ordinary among the crowd.  Biggie's friend gets kicked out and causes a huge scene and Biggie lets him go - alone - what a shit friend!  Ewwww  We (the girls) end up staying till the lights come on and he comes over and says, "What are you guys doing now?"  which I didn't know if he really wanted to know or was alluding to some after hours - wink wink.  I tell him I'm going home and that it was clear he wasn't heading home alone. BTW,  the way he acted w/ this girl was the way he acted w/ me the last time we hung out.  But he kept asking, "What are you doing now? What are you doing now?" hugging on me.  Shadow says, "You two are cute together."  I'm mortified that she said that, and he giggles.  Then, wait for it, he starts kissing on my neck and I'm thinking WTF and says, "I'm so messed up." We just turn and leave.   I'm not here to rescue him.  If we were both in our 20s that might be semi-endearing, instead I found it pathetic that a 40-something guy didn't have a clue or a grip.  I dodged that bullet, thank goodness. I mean I'm thankful for the time we spent together but have NO interest in going back there!

Man Date - bring on Miles. I'm ready! 

What you've Missed ... I'm back!

My apologies for not keeping up with da bloggin' but man, oh, man has life been chaotic with work, school, homework, freelance job - all the while maintaining a social life.  Here's what you missed:

Weekend Update(s)

After a happy hour one night with KGB and Miss J, me and Shadow heading back to the valley to catch one last drink with friends.  I walk into the bar and there. he. is. BIGGIE.  Yeah, you remember him. Haven't seen him in MONTHS but maintined little to no phone contact since our last hang.  No biggie, pardon the pun, but in however many months it had been, and it's a regular haunt for the both of us, why now do we finally cross paths?  He was still wearing this navy blue collared shirt I remembered him wearing back when we dated 5 years prior.  Is that weird? Kinda but  thank god for already having a buzz ;) After hanging with friends and saying good bye to my friends behind the bar, I turned around and he was behind me.  "I thought you left without saying good bye," he said.  Small talk, small talk, small talk, he makes some mention of seeing each other again, I sarcastically half laugh and say, "Oh yeah, when?" He says, "This week???"  (though inner monologue was saying 'don't hold your breath'.)  I give him a hug good bye, told him it was great to see him and left.  And the 5 minute drive home all I could think was, "Didn't he used to be taller?"  I guess when you hold a memory in your mind it plays back like on TV - actors SEEM tall but the cameras and camera angles just make them appear that way.

The following evening I had Merecedes' housewarming - my first and only friend in LA to own, not rent.  Before heading there, Shadow texted to ask if it was a problem if a previous plantonic male friend comes - we'll calm him "Greg" - before I could respond to the text, Shadow had decided maybe it wasn't.  I told her that it wasn't myplace to invite or not invite someone as I am not the hostess.  Hostess said NO for the record.  When I finally arrived among friends and strangers, I couldn't believe the words coming out of Shadow's mouth when she read her text from a mutual friend D, "She's on her way. Oh. (pause)  She's bringing Greg."  Without hesitation I quip, "WHAT?!!!!?" Sure enough, homeboy showed up.  WTF?  Even off his look of sheer delight of seeing me, I had to act my way out of the sitation. I politely gave a half hug and semi smile and then ignored him for the rest of the night. D, while getting a tour, says to Miss J, "Is it a problem that Greg is here?"  Miss J, my friend who is up front and honest says, "Look, we're all adults, but no, it's not."  And by ignore I literally mean I carried on with my friends like he wasn't even there because he shouldn't have been.  Near the end of the gathering, he cornered me in the kitchen.  "Hey!" and not to be a total bitch, I tried to make small talk but I wasn't that interested in hearing anything he had to say because we hadn't talked in months and nothing in his life had changed - I was bored.  And if you knew me, and you can't see my face when I type, but I have a hard time controlling my expression; whatever my brain is thinking, my face is saying.  But I just looked at him with a straight face as he went on, and on, and on about himself.  THEN he invited me and my friends to go to a bar with them, I politely passed.  Shadow and some friends wnated to meet up for one last drink but - and I don't want to admit this - seeing Greg just killed my night for me.  Not only did myself and my friends say no to him being there, he came anyway and while he knows my friends through me, it's not normal that he wanted to be there unless someone was plotting.  D even asked Shadow, "Does Bradshaw have feelings for Greg?" and again, without hesitation and brutal honesty, she says, "No!" WTF?  And if the combo of running into Biggie the night before mixed with having to see p.p. Greg wasn't enough, I am thankful for two things:  1) that my friends have my back, and 2) that I didn't go get that last drink because Shadow ran into...Biggie.  Yes, again.

Now, I'm a busy girl with a great life so I don't let that all affect me for too long.  About a week went by and I was up late working on stuff for school and just couldn't keep my eyes open a moment longer so I called it a night, and once in my room I discovered that my my phone was blinking.  I crawled into bed and looked to see that I had a new alert from FB; it's a message from ...Greg.  I thought to myself, 'well, it took a week' while I quickly read the message as my eyelids grew heavy.  something like "Hey, thought I'd drop by and say hi. Maybe we can meet up sometime and catch up." I fall asleep and again in the morning wake up to see if I really read it right.  Hmm. This guy has my phone number and email but is contacting me by a social networking site?  Strange.  Then a few days passed and I didn't respond and had a new voicemail when I got out of class...it was from Greg.  Some talk about how he was at my work and wanted a favor.  Being that I don't really consider us good friends anymore, it was interesting to me that he reached out to enlist my help for a task that didn't need to involve me at all.  Is is just a REACH?

And in the midst of all this, my status with Miles had turned...we have been in constant contact since my email.  Lots of texting, emailing and phone calls.  We were back to where we were a year earlier but seems different.  Now it should be noted that we have had tentative plans to see each other at least 3 x in the past 3 months and every time plans fell through.  It was hard to keep faith that we had been working towards 'something' but I believed then and I believe now that he isn't like any other guy out there.  Some might question why entertain  myself with someone who lives in a complete different state and coast than me, but again he's not like others.  Why was I disappointed every time things fell through? Duh.  But his frustration was equal.  And it won't be until I see this man again, face to face, in the same time zone, will I be able to prove my theory right.  But at the end of the day, it's nice to know there's someone out there who has you on their mind.  And we have plans to see each other when I go see my family for Thanksgiving so looks like things might finally ignite...and as mentioned above, it's nice to know someone is counting the days until they see you.  I mean, just the other day he text me with "14 more days..."  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited or nervous, let's call it exvous or nerited. ha ha ha  I never thought in all my life I would be in this perdicament - let alone putting myself in the risk of the unknown.  I guess when you get to be in your 30s, you stop playing games and start taking chances...(like the Celine Dion song)


Man-Date: Optimstic.  Lathering up the sunblock...

Glitter in the Air

Have you ever fed your lover with just your hands?  

Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return

The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn

The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase

Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?

Your whole life waiting on the the ring to prove you're not alone

Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?

Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion

The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run

The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames

Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever wished for an endless night?

Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight

Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself 

Will it ever get better than tonight?

- Pink 

Maybe He IS Just That Into You

Miss J sent me this article from Glamour's blogger Single-ish, which is a go-to of what is really going on with women, and some men too.  Allow me to share:


“I just don’t understand what happened,” cried my friend after meeting the guy of her dreams. “...now he's just…vanished.” I told her to just forget it and move on, but what she did instead might surprise you…(Friend met the guy while visiting family in Phoenix, and despite the distance, she felt sure that they’d keep in touch. But after a few sporadic phone calls, he stopped reaching out, and she was heartbroken.)
“I hate to say it,” I said, “but maybe he’s just not that into—” “No no!” she protested. “I know where you’re going with this and, HONESTLY, he was. He really was! I think I’m going to email him.”
Normally, I don’t think it’s a great idea to pour your guts out to a guy who isn’t calling. Boys know how phones work. If they want to reach you, they will. But she needed closure, so I gave her the green light. He already wasn’t talking to her, how much worse could it get? She sent him a simple, straight-forward email about how she was bummed... because she thought he was really interesting and special.

And you know what? He wrote back gushing about how much he agreed and hadn’t called because he worried she viewed him as just a vacation fling. He also said that he didn’t want to embarrass himself by putting his feelings out there, and was so happy that she had taken the first step.

Her theory is that the whole He’s Just Not That Into You movement prompted women to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble, when, really, guys get nervous too and it’s OK to give them some encouragement.


And after I read this entry that Miss J had sent me and we discussed over cocktails, I realized it sounded a lot like me and Miles.

Mancation Status:  Stepping into the sunshine. Hopeful and optimistic.  

Up in the Air

September 2009, I was anxious to get to back to LA after an emotionally draining weekend home to attend my grandfather's funeral.  Having had booked my last minute flight with my miles, I was stoked when I discovered I had "priority access" which meant I could board the plane before most which eased my loathing of air travel!!


Barreling down the aisle with my suitcase banging into every other seats' edge, I eyeball my seat/row to see a gentleman already seated in my row - on the aisle no less, which is my seat of choice.  I throw my bag and purse past him into the middle seat and say, "Hi, I'm here."  Then I whip around to score an overhead space.  He stands and asks, "Can I help you with you bag?"  Too stubborn for my own good, I say nicely, "No, thank you, I got it."  And with all my super human woman strength, I pick up my leopard luggage and throw it above my head laterally; however not being an inconsiderate person, I flipped it long so it could fit more suitcases.  I then sat down in my seat and set up my station for the next 3 1/2 hours - iPod, laptop, bottle of water.


Once airborn, I took out my laptop to write this blog - ironically it was still very new in its phases and I was still working out the "kinks".  The gentleman next to me kept quiet but I could sense he was watching me.  Finally he asked, "What are you writing?" "A blog," I said kindly. "Really? What's it about?" he quickly said.  Nervous about anyone knowing about my new blog, let alone admitting what it was about, I said coyly, "Uh, it's about dating actually."  He asked a whole bunch of questions before I revealed the name of it: Mancation.  That peaked his interest moreso and even matter-of-factly said, "I ask a lot of questions because I'm nosey like that because I just want to know."


Plane Guy with an E not an I - also known on my blog as Miles - broke this crabby traveler of solitude and silence by keeping my attention and the conversation flowing for the FULL flight.  And even at the exchange of our dating horror stories, and some of my funny tales, this guy (knowing I wasn't dating) asked me to dinner in hopes he could learn more.  I couldn't say no to an offer like that, even if it was against my 'mancation rules'.  And if you have read or followed my blog from the beginnig, then you already know of the tale of Miles.   Two dates - one in September (2 days after we met on our outbound flight) and one in October.  Both were great dates.  A lot of promise.  A lot of great conversation, laughs, and kisses.  But the reality of the situation always was that we live in two different cities, in two different states.  There was a falling off point somewhere that was never and may never really be defined - and that's okay.  But as a reader/follower, you then know that I hadn't forgotten about my travel companion and reached out to him back in June of this year in an email.


I quickly and carefully composed this email and then shut down my computer and went to bed.  Upon waking I asked myself, "Was that a dream or did I send that?"  Booting up my computer I saw that Miles had responded.  I gasped without opening it.  I went through every rational and irrational thought.  "He's going to tell me to F off!"  "He's going to not get why I emailed him at all." "Maybe he'll write a sentence as simple as thanks."  "I can't read it!  Go make some coffee."  Came back to my computer with a cup of Joe in my hand and still stare at my inbox.  Instead decide to jump in the shower.  Hop out, again with my coffee and decide to rip it off like a band aid.  "This is the only way you can know, Bradshaw, open it."  If you've read "Remember the Miles..." post, then you know what he said.


What's the moral of the tale here?  In life and dating you have to be brave.  Brave to tell him what you want.  Brave to put yourself out there.  Brave to fall on your face.  Brave to know what you want and aren't afraid to go after it.  And if something feels or felt right that you feel wasn't resolved, be brave to put it into the universe that you want to see where the cards fall.  Worse case scenario?  Silence.  Best case scenario?  Well, the possibilities are endless...

3-Date Fall Challenge

Oh, you're intrigued already?  There's more to this "idea" or "theory".

If you've never read Cindy Chupack's "The Between Boyfriends Book" (she was also a writer on Sex and the City) then you need to read up on "Halloweenies" before I post.

The 3-Date Fall Challenge is on!

Here's how we break it down, us single girls that is.  Los Angeles is full of singles, however not all of them are "available" in that we all are looking to be with someone we have a great time with, laugh with, have good chemistry with, but what gives? Why aren't we coupled up if we have so many options?  I refuse to admit that LA has it the worse when it comes to dating.  Now that me and my girlfriends are in our thirties, do we suddenly have to appoach dating different in hopes for different results?  The Trifecta discussed and we need to come up with a new objective: The 3-Date Challenge.

Here's the deal, three dates before Halloween.  Why? Because if you don't lock it in before Halloween, then Thanksgiving is apporaching and that's when you face the fall-off (guys decide not to commit because they can't commit to the holiday round up - meals with family or friends for Thanksgiving, Xmas with family or friends and then it's New Years.  Oh the pressure!  All the family and quality time with loved ones, apparently is too much for most guys - not all let me add.   Oh you think 3 dates before Halloween is a breeze???????  Well my friend, fellow reader, let me add to the pot, must be 3 dates with the SAME guy before Halloween.  Do you fold?  Or do you throw in another chip??

Ah, so you up for the challenge?  Awesome.  So far Miss J was the only one with the luck.  KGB went out once with Hottie Bartender, and even after our Trifecta affect, well she never heard from him again.  And me, well Mac already had shown me his cards -but talked like he was ready to enter back into the dating world - but alas, just a middle-aged man who is content with where life has led him.  Good for him and all, I mean when I ran into him a couple of weeks ago, all I could do was hug him hello, tell him that it was nice to see him (though it wasn't cause at that moment it had been 10 days without a call back, let alone a first date).  I am happy I stood my ground to not go there cause I am looking for a guy who can give me what I am looking for.  So back to Miss J - and Lumberjack.  First date went well that it lasted about 12 hours!  Second date, when that finaly happened was anotehr extend-a-date and seemed like she was going to lock in date #3 until she was left wondering when the hell that would happen.  Still waiting...

And here's what we (us women) know about date #3 - it's the gateway of what's to come so why do guys fear it?  Again, let me add not all guys are afraid, just most.  But you do know us women sit around and dicuss this kind of stuff when it comes to dating and can't help but wonder what's all the drama?  If you like us, just land the 3rd date.  We can figure out the rest as it comes!!

Mario, the Rerun

Remember Mario? He's the cutie I had met out on Halloween, only to date for about a month, and he fell off the planet right around Thanksgiving (standard Halloweenie, more on that later). I liked Mario and always had a great time with him, I remembered, until that time I ran into about a month after his disappearance the night of the "incident" at my local watering hole (if you need a refresher, check out Blog Worthy from December).


A substantial amount of time has passed, and Mario and I have kept in touch base throughout via FB mainly, occasionally text. Our initial re-contact went a little something like this: he asked if I had any good adventures lately?  I quipped, "Since running into you last, not quite as adventurous."  "agghh. i'm really really sorry," he types. I told him that it was interesting to say the least but that I liked him and all but circumstances were as they fell - out - quickly.  He tells me that he's been meaning to write to me about the whole 'incident' but that he guesses he avoided me because he didn't want anything serious but really liked hanging out.  That the night we met was "really special and fun" and that he really hoped we could be friends cause he 'likes me a lot" and again, that he was really sorry. I told him that I knew that's why he behaved the way he did but we could have just talked bout it but instead he vanished - which is the whole reason I blog to begin with, the vanishing act.  He went on to tell me that the whole next day he kept saying, "God, I'm such an asshole. I feel like such a jerk!" I told him that I was glad to know he had a conscious. I too, told him that I hoped we could be friend as I too, enjoyed his company but that it was going to take some time.

Now, I guess that was closure, for both of us.  I believe subconsciously, he behaved the way he did that run-in night because he was trying to paint a clear picture.  Message received.  It felt good to tell him that he acted like an asshole and I'm glad he felt badly for being an asshole.   Other than that chat, he would leave comments on FB page or we'd text when something reminded us of an inside joke we had (yes you can have inside jokes after 6 dates).  Here's the moral of the Mario tale, he's a Good Time Charlie (like how my mom referenced Biggie), someone to have fun with and fun to be around but that's it.  GTC doesn't settle down.  GTC aqates fun without having to be serious...

Now that your caught up to speed on what went down with (not so super) Mario, you, the reader, now know we are on good terms. Catching up one night, it was suggested watching our two teams play the pre-season game.  I thought, why not?  If anything, we sit, drink, laugh and watch one of our teams lose.  I accepted the invitation with weeks to go.  The week leading up he would text and trash talk my team and suggested that I come to the Westside so he could "show me what the westside is all about."  He even suggested me coming down early so we can ride bikes by the beach.  On a hot Saturday afternoon, I would have done anything to be out enjoying the weather, and hopefully the company that I was keeping.

What I didn't expect was the marathon of what I call the Extend-a-not-date: an appointment for a particular time; a social engagement, or occasion arrangedbeforehand with another person - in which a person is NOT picked up by the other person's mode of transportation, nor are you sure of the romantic intensions or lack there of.

Saturday - game day - we agreed to meet at his apt. around 4 (game was at 530).  Traffic was horrible and parking was a bitch.  We jump up on his bikes and ride to bar 1, which was closed. I almost wipe out (cause I think I was 12 the last time I rode a bike, voluntarily or recreationally), however managed to jump off somehow sparing myself any bodily harm.  He was very sweet to look back and ask repeatedly if I was okay as we rode to bar 2.  Mario kept commenting on how impressed he was with me getting away with not hurting myself.  Bar 2 now was not airing the game so we left and went to  bar 3 on 3rd, apparnently a regular spot for him.  We attempted again to get the game on but no one was airing the live feed.  We decided to stay and have apps and drinks anyway.  Then we took the bikes down the Pier where we hit the arcade.  We stopped by the Mexican restaurant at the very end of the pier to have margararitas, which were delcious, made wishes into the bucket that hangs above the ocean, found the final score of the game to 32-17 (not in favor of my team), and Mario had the 3 man band serenade me, his "esposa" (which means wife is Spanish).  The band was great but I laughed it off.  We walked up the pier with his arm around me, and then once again on the bikes went to a tapas bar where we each had a glass of wine and a plate of tapas which was delicious, then hopped back on our bikes to bar 3 for karaoke.  We each sang our staple -go-to song, his "Hard to Handle" and mine "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".  We quickly made friends with everyone, especially the couple near by who were helluva pair of singers and they thought we were good?!   We could have left by 10:30 but decided to stay for one my round of singing, and one more beer.   That time I debuted "I Hate Myself for Loving You," and he did "Suspiscious Minds" for me.  We both rocked it, at least in our minds, and judging by the applause of the bar.  We were like rockstars.  And we danced in-between songs, and Mario doesn't dance, but we danced like it was going out of style. He's a fun guy (GTC).  We laugh a lot and laugh often.  We left shortly after our last song and headed back to his apartment.  We were supposed to walk the bikes but half way there he said we were okay to ride, well he fell and scraped up his back and me the novice, is virtually unarmed.   I crashed there but don't get the wrong idea...

A little overserved before karaoke round two!

Sunday - decided to go for breakfast near Venice.  Back on the bikes and into the sun in my clothes from the night before.  Breakfast was delicious.  He wanted to go to the Farmers Market quickly to pick up some groceries and then ride farther into Venice but was hungover so we stopped for bloody Mary's at an Irish bar I had been too before only to discover they were re-airing the game, so we stayed for a couple and just nustled into the booth together.  After the game had begin replaying for the second time, we hopped back on the bikes and rode from there all the way back to his place by way of the beach/pier and it was nice.  I thought to myself, I never do this, the weather's perfect, this is great.  Though it was hot, I was still enjoying the day and company.  I realized that I had been with this guy who I am not romantically into or interested in for 24 hours and had to flee.  Let's make it less awkward and let me do the man-thing and just get-out-while-I-can.  I gave him a kiss on the cheek, thanked him and left. It took me forever to get home and upon returning home, I text him when I got home to -again- thank him and tell him I had a great time. He replied with "I had a blast!" 

SUMMARY: Again, GTC!  I know he's someone you have fun with, but not settle down with - though I got the sense he's maybe looking.  He's cool, funny and a gentleman - at least the past 2 days he was. Will I see him again? Dont' know. Actually, I know I won't.  Do I want to see him again?  Don't know, what's the point?  The things that worked and didn't work before are the same things that work and don't work now.  I needed a fun night out and I got it! I'm not looking for a Good Time Charlie, I'm looking for more than that!

Trifecta - revisited

I still totally believe in this power of 3s, however it has not worked for either of us with the guy in question and perhaps that's a good thing.  It works in that you suss it out to know already it's a waste of time.

Miss J never heard from HDG again but met an even HOTTER guy that next weekend.  I approve.  They've already gone out on a date and I'm hoping she hears from him again and soon!  H-O-T!

KGB and me and Miss J did our Trifecta on the hotter bartender, only to have a good time but no vibe was clear on the jury.  She hasn't heard from him. Humph.

And as for me, I left that message for Mac one week ago.  One. Week. Ago.  This is the guy who would call me and leave me sweet messages or try to make plans only not to deliver.  I lost interest.  You're too old to play at what you're playing at.  Yes, there very well could be someone else in the mix, or he's just lazy, and I have put myself out there to you and now I'm retracting; ship has sailed.

NEXT....the Challenge

Trifecta!

Meaning: term used to describe a situation when three elements come together at the same time.  


So I ask, do women (now) have to be the aggressive ones?  Okay, maybe we don't HAVE to be the aggressive ones but apparently there are other women who make it easy for guys to get away with lazy behavior so they don't think they have to pursue us.  That also goes for the technology era we're in.  I keep asking, whatever happened to the phone call?? This was a topic heavily covered by the ladies this past weekend.  The reason we asked this was because we're getting older (my friends are all now officially in their 30s) and we don't have the time, or should I say patience to play the game (or games)  .  


TRIFECTA was born - three elements, in this case friends, come together at the same time to stage a bit of a hottie intervention to suss the situation out. Not in a crazy girl way but a cool, I'm out with my friends, funny seeing you kind of way.  


Situation 1: Miss J had been out with all of us the weekend before and Hottie Door Guy (HDG) - upon us leaving- gave her his number.  Miss J was taken aback, as we women often are when we miss you're (guys) oh-so-subtle-you-could-miss those clues.  Synopsis - by the time they met up for drinks, HDG was a drag, a bore, a yawn, all wrapped up in a beautifully deceiving man package.  Upon my encouragement, and a few others, a second date/chance was in order to really judge.  First "dates" are weird.  Second dates get everything out that you didn't cover in your initial what-do-I-really-know-about-you-that-we-could-see-this-going anywhere? 


At happy hour, Me and KGB (newest addition to the blog) suggested we stop by the bar he bounces.  Miss J wondered what would he say? How would he react?  We thought, what the hell else you got to lose?  (Mind you, me and KGB had been at happy hour a good one hour of happy before Miss J did not sway our decision in anyway).  We also decided, women need to empower women.  We can sit around and bitch about it or we can walk right up and ask if there's a table available.  We did both that night ;)  Upon arrival, Miss J asked, "What do I say?" I told her, "Simple.  They wanted a Burger," which we TOTALLY did.  But all-in-all he was boring as she said.  Why wouldn't the guy glued to his crackberry be texting cute things to my girl out of his sight line inside?   Miss J didn't expect to hear from him again, and hasn't as -of -date.


Situation 2: KGB met hottie bartender on Sunset and went out with him once.  A couple of text messages and emails and then silence... she wanted that second date.  So girl empowerment decided we'd go there (the bar he bartends) for happy hour this week to stage an hottie intervention to see if there's anything there worth pining after....stay tuned.


Situation 3: And me, maybe I'm being a foo but better the fool to fall on her face than to cover it.  Mac last called on Friday, I called him on Saturday to invite him out for a drink with all of us (since he apparently works better in groups) and hadn't heard back.  It's Tuesday, feeling aggressive, I call.  Of course I get his voicemail.  Okay, Bradshaw, keep it cool and brief.  "Hey, I just got home from work and thought I'd call and say hi and see if I could get a hold of you. (laugh); apparently not so I'm talking to your vm instead.  Just curious if you're available this week to catch a drink or something.  Let me know."  It felt good to put myself out there, even in the event it doesn't produce any or any immediate results, I did it; so there!!


Meanwhile, they say things happen in THREE'S....

Valley Barry

I know I have not written about Valley Barry.  VB is a friend of Miss J's withwhom she worked with previously. When me and my girls venture out locally in the hood, we tended to run into Valley Barry - a lot!  Seemingly cool guy with a big, voiceover voice.  One particular night running into VB, all of my girls were chatting up some guy, and I was talking to Valley Barry.  VB is a nice guy and we exchanged dating stories and whatnots.  I had an extra glass of wine or two and we ended up kissing.  (I don't have much memory or how that happened nor why) but he did ask for my number.  I was open to going on a date with him as he had asked for my number for that reason.

A week later, Trifecta coming into affect, it was Miss J's birthday.  Valley Barry was there, however let me give you the backstory of what or why not that's a big deal - HE NEVER CALLED!  One week after the drunken last-call kiss, he never called.  In the week that had passed, I grew over it cause I wasn't that into it.  When he showed, I happened to be standing near the door.  We're all adults so it's not going to turn into some scene.  "Wow, Bradshaw, you look great!" he said to me before heading to the bar. I said thank you and smiled politely and went about co-hosting.  He turned into creepy guy staring at me from across the room all night.  Or lurking about hoping to squeeze into a conversation I was having with the fellow party guests.  When that opportunity came about he says, "Bradshaw, hey!  I would love to buy you a drink."  I said very politely, "Thank you but I just closed my tab and actually I'm leaving."  


Upon me leaving, Valley Barry pulled Miss J aside and asked, "Does Bradshaw not like me?"  And Miss J not to hold back says matter of factly "You didn't call."   He looked at her like he had no idea what she was talking about.  You work up the courage to ask for a girls number and then not use it.  What gives?  He gave her some sob sotry of how he "wanted to call but..." and th ereality of hte situation - for both men and women alike- if you are interested in someone, NOTHING holds you back from making contact.  We're all business with work and other stuff. That just shouldn't be the factor holding you back but rather is what's holding you back in the dating world.  He told Miss J that he was sorry and she told him that he then owed me the apology for being such a baby, if he liked me.

I did receive a phone call the next day and I let it go to voicemail.  There was no apology in that voicemail just "Hey it's Valley Barry, great to see you last night.  Listen, give me a call if you want and I hope to hear from you."  Fail.   Miss J had filled me in on the conversation after I received that voicemail and I told her that I was glad she set him straight but I lost interest.

One night when the Trifecta was out, we were seated at one of our usual haunts and Miss J says like a ventriloquist, "Barry's here. Don't look."  Shit, I thought. I don't want to see this guy but it's inevitably since we were back at the scene of the crime (the location where he had asked for my number).  I kept my back facing him until the bartender sets two glasses down in front of us and says, "That guy at the end of the bar would like to buy you ladies your next round."  Now, sure that's like out of a movie, too bad it was Valley Barry that was the buyer.  We were forced to turn and wave and say hi.  He looked surprised like he didn't know I was seated next to Jennie. Come on!

Valley Barry makes hsi way over and we make small talk.  When Miss J struck up a convo with the babe seated next to her (Lumberjack), I was left talking to VB.  He says, "You never called?" "No, I didn't," I said matter of factly.  And when he questioned as to why I went on to tell him that I was just going to be honest.  "Yes, you called, a week after you got my number and saw me a week after you got my number."  "Well, work was this and that...."  and I said, "Come on, I have known you for a short time but in that short amount of time you always are on your phone, have your phone out, etc.  So there really is no excuse as to why you didn't use it to make some sort of contact with me, and that's the reality."  He looked at me dumbfounded. I said, "I'm not trying to make this any more awkward because we have mutual friends and I know we're going to run into each other so I just want to clear the air.  You're a nice guy but it's not going to happen."  He asks, "Well can I take you to dinner to make it up to you?" "No," I answered immediately.  He says, "No. Wow. no?" I said, "Again, I'm trying to be honest but polite, I lost interest."

Don't you think a woman, if given the opportunity to tell a guy what he did wrong if that chance was given to you?  How do guys learn? I mean, and this is another blog to come, they're getting the wrong dating advice from somewhere....why not get it from the horse's mouth.

Big Picture??

A couple of weeks ago I went to one of our local bars and ran into Lucy, a former co-worker and friend of Biggie.  I hadn't seen here in years (and the last time I had was I believe about 3 years ago and I was there with a guy I thought I was after.) Anyway, Lucy complemented me on how great I looked and asked how I was.  Small talk with the elephant in the room - not knowing the elephant was in fact, there.  The elephant being Biggie.  Upon deciding to go to another bar, I look over and see Biggie paying his tab with Lucy.  Why wouldn't Lucy tell me that he was there? Why shoudl it matter being that we were 'cool' but upon earlier postings, I walked right up to him to say hello.  And a day or two later, Biggie called to apologize for beign weird because he was there with his current girl and all I could say was, Yeah it was weird but did you see the tall dirnk of water I was with?)  back to Lucy, she again, says how great I look and then blurts out "Did you know Biggie moved back?" "Yes," I said mater of factly.  She asks if I have talked to him. 'Yes, actually."  Off my look she says, "Oh?" I said, "Well, I've talked to and spent time with Biggie."  "And?" she asks?  I say, "Well you're good friends, if you don't already know that, then that's odd?"  She tells me she will work on 'that story' and I didn't know what she meant other than asking Biggie himself, which I hoped she wouldn't.


This past Friday me and the girl hit up a new (local) happh hour.  Lucy walked in and b-lined for the bathroom but I grabbed her on the way to say hi.  She hugged me and was elated to see me then went back to her fello bar patron.  Upon leaving to hit up another local haunt, I went up to say good bye.  She syas, "I texted Biggie to tell him that 5, 6, 7, 8 was here (her nickname for me) and he told me he was in Vegas." I say, "Yeah I know." Off that comment she say, "Oh??"  Nothing of it lady, he just happened to email me the other day.  She goes on to say, "I'm going to work on this. I like you two together." "Hmm mmm, why?" She says, "Because you I like you and you were the only one that ever gelled with the group."  I found that interesting and said, "Thanks."  She says, "I mean, the last girl? We all knew that wouldn't last."  (The last girl was the one he moved out of LA for only to move back 4 months later."I didn't know much about her but he made sure she saw me before he left, which I thought was interesting." She says, "Well that's because he knew he'd be back."  I joked, "Yeah and he contacted me upon his re-arrival."  Miss J was honking her horn and I had to jet but off of Lucy's look I couldn't help but ponder?


Then again, after the falling off/borderline bored end of the spectrum of how things went on / off with Biggie, I had to get my head out of the past and into the present.  That's why, as if on cue, sipping on my Blonde beer, Mac called...

Birthday Declarations - Truth or Fantasy?

I had come up with these declarations on my birthday instead of making resolutions upon ringing in the near year.  How do I fare at my halfway point?  


* MOVE! - DID and finally remodeld, in that I purged old belongings (my green sofa, fashions and guys out of date) and made room to have someone in my room; even if it hasn't happened yet. 
* Drink less (ha ha ha), eat even better / Get moving, i.e. exercise more.- okay I was doing really great with working out and eating great, but the drink less; it ain't realistic. 
* Say yes to being set up - That is in progress....Shadow!! 
* Say no to men who are only about themselves - still a work in progress 
* Don't waste a date on someone with no prospect (if you aren't feeling it on the first date, you're not going to magically feel it on the second or third). STILL TRUE, though I haven't dated. 
* 2010, no one under 30 (21 is too young), date older :) - I had a moment of amnesia
* Working on savings, 401k, etc. - Hmmm
* Learn to cook (better) - still working on it 
* Don't criticize men as a hobby (I borrowed that one, I like it)...
* Write more... and more often - trying, but it's hard holding down a full-time job and going to school part-time, factoring in homework and maintaining my socializing. Not making excuses but good grief. 
* Ask for advice when needed (unsolicited advice usually comes from a bad place).
* Learn something new - I AM  
*Always break the rules, no one likes a goodie goodie.  Amen, sister 
* Remind yourself that breakups happen for a reason, they're broken.  Remind yourself often if you have to.
* Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean he wouldn't be perfect for someone else.
* Call more often - those I see every day, those of you I don't, and those of you want to!


**Addendum- I want off this mancation.

Call Back Auditions

...so this has been a hot topic for a while now.  I do believe I've written about it before.  What's the standard rule? What breaks the rules? Are there rules to the call back?  I'm beginning to think they are, or rather does it just depends on the circumstances?


Recently a friend blamed me for a girl he met, that he claimed to like but didn't call immediately.  (Backstory was that we went out - ONCE - and when he called the next day (though I made it clear, or so I thought, that I was busy), I let it go to voicemail. Well, I let more than one call go to voicemail.  Sure, was it fair to him? no)  Haven't we all tried to spare one another's feelings by just not calling?  Or not returning a call?  However, he asked my 'dating advice' and I gave it to him straight out, 'If you like this girl as much as you say you do, don't listen to your stupid 20-something guy friends, call her."  He met her on a Friday, called on my urging on a Monday and never. heard. back.  CoCo came back to me the next day and blamed me?! by expressing the fact that he called me the day after we went out and I didn't respond. It's an easy out but doesn't mean it doesn't sting a little. Most people can brush it off cause they don't have to see them every single day.  I know it's not my fault it blew it with the girl he'd never pursue. 


I have a whole male's perspective on the topic matter - aside from that stated above - but haven't posted it yet.


I wrote about this topic  earlier this April - regarding Biggie.  This was the call or not to call but text cause maybe you wouldn't be available to call but whatever happened to the days when we weren't so instantly connected that we had to wait to get home to rewind the tape on the message machine?


I wrote about this topic in May regarding Shadow and her latest dude K.  Although, in this case it had to deal with the email response after to falling off the face of the earth only to hit the (dreaded) REPLY ALL feature to a message on Facebook.  Now all the world of Shadow could see what this guy was made of (and how he did in English class).


I wrote about this back in June upon running into Mac again after a 5-month lapse.  If you go through the effort of asking for the number, why not use it?  He didn't, then he did, and then he fell off again and I shrugged it off.  He, me and April sat and talked about the dating realm and I expressed my views/opinions and Mac agreed with me - a lot - that I couldn't help wonder if he was being genuine or trying to keep on my good graces.  And when I shrugged off his lack of go, go, go; do as you say, I happened to meet someone else - who was younger than the both of us.  Now Ventiseis was nice and cute as a button, but he was an alleged masterdater who was not a catch and couldn't follow through beyond a text message. To me, that's a dealbreaker.  

So that's the backstory of the story (us) girls talk about often. Went on a great date with a guy twice, three times and then never heard from him again? What's the mystery? What are the rules?

Shadow met a guy when we were out one night, that guy called the next day. They're already on date number 4 or 5 as of date. I met a guy that night who was a mutual friend. He was "so glad" to run into me that night because "he's been wanting to ask me out." I gave him my number and never heard from until I ran into him a week later at J's birthday, and by then I was bored with him and found him to be a bit irritating and creepy. When he cornered Miss J to ask "if I liked him" she simpled replied, "You didn't call." He called the very next day around 1pm, but I'm sorry in my world I've already lost interest and there is NO EXCUSE to keep you from calling a girl. To quote Mac, "if you're into someone, you call"; irony.


So I ran into Mac last weekend and he looked as cute as ever.  He happened (allegedly) to be calling about a (our mutual) friend as me, Jennie and April were about to meet up with Ebony and Ivory (also mutual friends).  When I told the old man this he said, "Hmm, well if you're going to go ---- bar, let me know and I'll meet you." Me, "We're going to ----- bar."  Mac, "Oh, well I just put a steak on the grill, I will eat it real fast and come down." He was there before E and I.  We had a great time and it was good to see him.  Long version abbreviated (to spare unnecessary details), he called me the very next day to say "hi."  I love that (even in lieu of creepy dude).  That was enough for me on that day.  It only leads me to ask what's next?


Oh!  I also got an email from Biggie? He's "out-of-town but will call me when he gets back. Big hugs."  Ah, Biggie. I hate that I got excited to hear from him after all these months.  But is Mac the guy to go with?  Will he step up?  I mean he called me Tuesday and I chatted with him briefly cause I was at work and asked that I call him later. I called him yesterday night and haven't still heard from him. What's up???

RUN! don't walk...

Okay, while it's hot and summertime, I might have entertained little twenty-something Ventiseis, however, my instincts are NEVER wrong.  Like clockwork, Venti texted me Monday night (that's 3-4 days after seeing him last).  I knew it was him even when it beeped.

"Good weekend?" 8:07p
Now you know from my previous posting of Single-ish how annoying that is for a girl to get.  I responded briefly, and included a "and you?"
(And I quote) "Eh, in a funk, trying to figure out direction in my life, all without affecting my summer." 
I stared at my phone's screen like I wasn't really reading this.  If you're on the dating track you don't tell someone you're lost. Just pull over and ask for directions or just keep driving, you know? I couldn't respond.  I didn't and wasn't sure I wanted to respond.  Well, he quickly sent another message while I pondered.
"Making goals for the rest of the year..."

Hmm, yes way to follow it up with something semi-positive so you don't sound so dopey. My response, "Yes I remember you telling me this.  Hang in there, you don't have to figure it all out today." 
"Thx, I know, it all takes time.  Learning that the hard way." 
"Nothing BUT time..."
"Lol." 

No, dude, it's not funny. I wasn't being funny.  While we all get a little lost in life, or question if we are where we're supposed to be going, or wonder why things aren't as you wish they would be; some things in life are worth laughing about, but that last LOL was a defense mechanism (and I've always loathed the overuse of LOL. Always!).  Alas, poor twenty-something, I know this story all too well.  All the best to you!

Mancation Status: to quote my BFF "RUN, Bradshaw, RUN!"

When re-telling of my not-date to my girls, Cedes asked if I attached a picture of the hanging cat in my text message.  I didn't have that capability so I'm attaching it to this blog post cause THAT IS funny!!