No Take Backs?

I found this article back in October on msn, and there must have been a reason that I saved it.  Judging from my time line, or way of thinking, yes there perhaps was good reason why this caught my eye. It is edited down by yours truly.  I may have to ask myself some hard questions...

Should You Take Him Back?

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

The two of you broke up. Now, he wants you back. Experts help you determine whether or not to give your relationship another chance.

...just when you think you’re starting to reclaim your life, you get the text, "I miss you."

If this guy really meant something to you, your heart probably did a little flip before reality set in. The bottom line is you broke up. And while you might desperately have wished to hear those words for weeks, months or even years, running straight back into an ex’s arms without a little forethought may be a risky proposition for your love life.

But what if he IS the one and now you two have a real shot? Well, that is precisely the kind of thing you have to think about prior to responding. Because along with the chance for a fairytale happy ending there is also the very real possibility of getting hurt all over again if you don’t realistically assess the situation before seeing him....Of course, no matter what you ultimately decide, you will be taking a chance. So your best bet is to think things through and try to make the best decision for your unique situation.  To help you figure it out, however, ask yourself the following questions, because while everything in you may be screaming “Yes! I want him back!” the heart-smart proceed with caution.

Why did you break up in the first place?
... if in looking back you realize that you broke up because both of you ran up against some issue or problem which you just couldn’t get past at the time – like fear of deeper commitment, some transitional life crisis, or even a fight that you both left unfinished – then it might be worth trying again if with the benefit of some time, you have had growth or insights about those problems.

What was my part in this breakup? Why would I want him back?
Yes, maybe he screwed up. Big time. But remember, there are two parties in a relationship. Before you even think about reconciliation, you need to consider what you contributed to the breakup as well and how you view it now.

“You deserve a great relationship, and part of having a great relationship is picking the right partner,” says Neuharth. “Make sure there are far more green lights than red flags, especially on important issues like shared communication styles, honesty, key values and chemistry.”

Am I missing him, or just being in a relationship?
Also keep in mind that maintaining your newly single status opens up the possibility of finding Mr. Right, whereas jumping back into a relationship with Mr. Wrong will only preclude you from finding a more suitable someone sooner.

What questions do I want to ask him when we speak?
Probably the most important thing you need to find out from an ex trying to win you back is “Why now” What is it that has prompted him to come back and seek you at this juncture?.... “If he left you because he got scared and is coming back because he loves you, that is one thing…then you can talk about why he got scared, and what he will do to make sure he can push through his fears in the future,” says Neuharth.

Other things to consider: Why does he want to reconcile? What has he learned from this breakup? What is different this time? Why should you take him back? Is he just lonely and hasn’t found a better replacement, or is it really you that he’s missing?

What has changed now that will make things work out when they didn’t before?
To assess this question, you must carefully think about your prior relationship and what precipitated the breakup.

“I’ve seen more than a few couples who say, well, we broke up before, but when we got back together, we went right back to the way things were,” says Neuharth. “You broke up for a reason, and if it was a good reason, the last thing you want is the old status quo.” In other words, if you don’t address the issues you had when you were together and see how they might have changed or how you can work on them, your shot at success will be minimal.

This brings up the long-term view as well. “When making any important decision, it is essential to visualize the future—not just now,” says Block.

What steps would I want to see taken if we were to try again?
Slow and steady wins this race! There is no such thing as taking a reconciliation too slowly. “Failed reconciliations are generally either those that rush, or those in which one person just cannot get past the mistrust or hurt from the earlier breakup,” says Neuharth. “You want to see steady progress. There may be setbacks or bumps in the road, but you want to be sure you’re going in the right direction this time.”

While the temptation may be high, try not to jump straight back into a sexual relationship, either. Great sex can lead to better communication, or it can serve as a blindfold for the problems that were there before (which will not go away just because you’re passionately attracted in bed). It’s important for you to discuss how and when you will reestablish sexuality in your relationship.

Approach it like you’re getting to know each other all over…only this time with the benefit of already knowing your partner’s strengths and foibles.

Be open to making a plan together. If you’re truly going to be a duo, then you need to work at reconciliation like a chemistry project…with both partners working toward the same goal.

And always, always listen to that little voice. Because the decision to take him back or not lies within you, and intuition is frequently the determinant factor.

Finally, realize that if you open your arms again, he’ll be lucky to get you back.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann, author of The Real Reasons Men Commit: Why He Will — or Won’t — Love, Honor and Marry You, is a writer and a performer.